My Malaysian Tamizh Stories : Part Three
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To the eyes of others, I was always a strong, book smart, straight A scoring girl with a lot of potential for her future. But in my eyes, I still constantly felt like a failure and that I could never do anything right. I felt like I could never really make anyone happy, including myself.
I grew up being a high performing student, always top of the class, basically the ideal student they everyone was “supposed” to be. Everyone around me constantly told me how lucky I was to be that good in my studies and to have everyone like me. What did it even matter, when I didn’t like me? I knew deep down that I probably only had friends because I was a teacher’s pet. I felt like I had no other identity other than the “smart girl”. Noone ever took the time to get to know me personally, what I liked, what I wanted, I was just there because of a couple of A’s on a piece of paper. I dreamed of having someone who like me for me.
This part of me still dwells deep inside me as a 20-year old. I still struggle with my self image and how others perceive me. Whenever I’m with other people and going about my day as usual, random intrusive thoughts never fail to creep up. “Do they secretly hate me?” “What if I’m not funny enough?” “ What if I’m not nice enough?”
Then my day gets ruined.
To get over these thoughts, I people please. I try so hard everyday to make everyone happy, to smile at everyone and make everyone comfortable and tell what they want to hear and do what they want me to do. When I sense the slightest change in someone’s tone or manner that may (or may not) signify annoyance, I apologize. I make it seem like its my fault that things are bad or that it’s my fault that there’s a mild inconvenience in our conversation.
I can’t even create genuine bonds with people because of this heavy weight I carry all the time. I can never fully expose myself to even the closest of my friends, and I honestly don’t even know why. I fear feeling vulnerable. My only best friend is my solitude, because he’s the only person I turn to for comfort.
One of my worst traits that stem from my lack of self love and confidence is my love for self-deprecation. I love making jokes about how stupid or dumb or untalented or useless I am because, that’s what makes people…
